Trouble Amidst the Fog

Hands stretched out
Straining to find it
Nothing is revealed
Shadows are quiet

Breathless encounters
One after another
Sleepless nights
Nightmares thunder

Light is conceiled
This needs to end
Reach for the tunnel
Forgive thy own sins

Bloodless controlling
Everything to gain
Night in a spirit
Take away pain

Left in misery
Surrounded by dark
Tables are turning
The fire will spark

Hollow of heart
Whole once again
Relieve the pressure
To finally awaken.

By ME of course.  I wrote it today in Spanish 3 because we had some free time and I was bored.  It's funny how..when I don't even try to write something good, it always comes out better than when I actually TRY to do good, lol.  I think I'll go put this exact post on myspace.  only 3 people that I know of still get on this thing, sad...xanga used to be the "site to visit."

love you all
Sha

AHHH, I just found out that it wasn't 350, it was 400 fuckin' dollars that I spent yesterday....DUDE!!!! I'm almost dead broke now...almost, lmao.  Scary....yeah, so went to the mall yesterday...and Ross more for less store.....it was awesome.  Got a whole bunch of cool shit, and my mom was there...and let me get all the cool shit, lmao.  I'm happy now.  lovin life, the post before this.....I think that's done and gone...no more bitterness.

just updating for the hell of it...oh and I finally got PARAMORE!!!   later

Sha

So I like to read...so what.  If you can see the wrinkle in my forehead...it's not because I was concentrating...it's because I saw that Caitlin was going to take a picture and I really didn't want to let her take it, but did anyway...  Oh look...Doritoes.

*on to the more important topic*

Okay guys, so what do I do? I just can't stop thinking about her (ashlie).  She's constantly on my mind, and no matter what I do, or how much I try to stop it...I can't.  I'm still in love with this girl and if I don't fall out of it quick I'm going to drive myself insane. 

I know she's got someone else and I know she's extremely happy with where she's at right now...and I have no intention of barging in and trying to ruin it all.  You know how I am, I'll do anything to make someone (or keep someone) happy even if that means I'm completely miserable.

What am I supposed to do?  I've tried finding someone else, but every time I do it doesn't feel right...because it's not her. it's just not the same.

I used to swear that I'd always be there, and never ever let her go, that I'd always love her no matter what happened...and guess who's still stuck in the same spot after all that promising.

What does it mean when after 5 months goes by and you still haven't moved on...still haven't stopped caring.  Truth is, I still haven't even stopped crying almost every night.  And that's why I can't sleep anymore.  It just doesn't seem/feel right.

I have some good days I guess....but I have more bad days than good.  I have to keep my happiness level through the roof to even begin to smile.... It's hard to fake happiness, but I think I'm getting better at it with more practice...even if, the happier I act, the worse I feel. 

I'm a fucking empty person....and I have no idea what I have to do to get around this...It's not like I wish it had never happened, but I do wish I could get over it...I mean, she obviously has, so why can't I?

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!!!???????

I need to go,
Sha

well...today was a not-so-great day....First time I've cried in the day-time in a LONG time..and I cried while at home like 4 times, and then I cried at work too...while it wasn't busy, and I had nothing to do.  They gave me too much free time to "think." 

Anyways, this morning Austin pissed me off beyond all recognition...he lied, and stole and pushed just about every button to push.  Like I say...if I didn't have self-control that kid wouldn't be around anymore.

I had to run to Dollar General on my bike to get stuff.  As soon as I got home my mom called to tell me I had to go get some money from MY bank account to go pay the water bill...so now she owes me over $80. 

This is fucking gay...today was the first time i've had a breakdown in over 2 or 3 months...and it was one of the worst.  It was one of those.."I wish I could just end this all right now" ones....but I never think of suicide anymore, so that was still the last thing in my head at the time. 

Can I have a fairy god-parent to answer all my wishes...cuz then I would be a pretty happy person...

Sleep is almost impossible now-a-days, I'll lay down and reality hits me, and I just begin to cry all over again.  Never fails...it's like that every night.  And the real reason I'm typing all of this on this xanga is because no one really ever reads this anymore, so I don't have to worry about people knowing what's goin on with me. lol

Anyway...I guess I need to start saving up some money for those college classes.  I forgot how much I need, but I hope my mom helps me out with it.  I'm supposed to have only 300 in the bank right now...sucks for me because over 50% of all my paychecks is supposed to stay in there....so I'm like 200 short in the bank, lol...oops. 

Can't wait for school to start...I have to go pay for a damned PO Box in Shallowater just so I can have a place to send all my mail...My dad and step-mom finally got it figured out that I wasn't coming back to stay with them, and said they wouldn't allow me to use their address for me to continue going to school over there....I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'm sure it's not going to be any picnic. 

So I'm a little stressed, what if I can't go to Shallowater this school year...what will that mean...well, I'm sure I'll be crying a lot, lol....guess I'd better go, I'd rather not think of that possibility.

Sha

XFest3 was awesome except for the last hour of it...that part sucked.  Honestly it did...half of my group alone got hurt in one way or another, and then someone rather disappointed me.  I know it sounds dumb, but what started the crying was getting dropped full force on the back of my head...or pulled down from crowd surfing rather....I was so pissed, and it hurt so bad.  So I went back over to were Tiff and Bailey were sittin and sat down for a second....Went to the bathroom shortly after b/c Tiff wanted to have a better look at it.  Anyway, after that it was amanda who started to pass out so we hung around her....but yeah, I was full of tears for nearly an hour an a half...and not just because of my damn head.  That wasn't the only thing that had been hurt during that time.  "'nuf said"    as caitlin would put it.  OH CAITLIN, MAKE SURE YOU HOLD ON TO MY CD FOR ME, SO I CAN GET IT BACK SOON.  DON'T LOSE IT, I'LL HAVE TO KICK YOUR ASS, LOL. YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU.   So anyway, Neverset was awesome, and everyone else there was great.  Didn't get to watch much of Rob Zombie cuz all that went on during his portion of the concert...(my step-sister got hurt before anyone...and then it was me, and then it was amanda, and then eric got his left leg kicked (I think) when he was helping manda out of the crowd)  how wonderful Yeah?  damn...gonna go,
Sha

edit!!!

HAPPY 4th of JULY!!!!!